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Ten Parenting Principles

Years ago, running a men's domestic violence group, I used a list by Robert Fulghum to help the court-ordered group better understand their role as parents. In my work since with children and parents of both genders, it's proven even more salient:

1. Children are not pets. They are little people. They have rights; and should have responsibilities commensurate with their age and maturity. Some parents treat their children as possessions; or think their kids owe them something, when actually it's the other way around.
2. The life they actually live and the life you perceive them to be living is not the same life. Because your brain is more developed does not mean kids don't have their own, unique, evolving perceptions of the world. Honor them.
3. Don't take what your children do too personally. This is the most common reason parents get angry with their children. Rather than being reactive--even when they appear to be directing something AT you--strive to discern what they're trying to communicate to you.
4. Don't keep scorecards on them - a short memory is useful. Unless you've never made mistakes, forgive them theirs.
5. Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for well-being. What's really more important: a room neat as a pin or your kid exploring the world with unbridled curiosity?
6. Stay out of their rooms after puberty. This one is tricky since violence, drugs and other risk-taking behaviors are part of many kids' lives these days. Since children don't always tell us what we need to hear, it's important to be vigilant. Respecting their developing sense of and right to privacy is also important. Be tactful.
7. Stay out of their friendships and love-life unless invited in. The social choices they make largely result from what you've modeled and taught them. When its time for them to choose, let them do so, providing guidance when asked...but keep your radar on.
8. Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. This is my favorite of Fulghum's ten. "Do as I say, not as I do" is specious and hypocritical. You must be the adult you want your children to become.
9. Learn from them; they have much to teach you. At times their wisdom will amaze you. Revel in it. "From the mouths of babes...."
10. Love them long; let them go early. That day your children leave to fly on their own will be difficult. Subjugate your sadness and do what is best for them.

Finally, a footnote. You will never know what kind of parent you were or if you did it right or wrong. Never. And you will worry about this and them as long as you live. But when your children have children and you watch them do what they do, you will have part of an answer.